My top ten Game of Thrones predictions

1. Jon Snow is trapped in a box with a cat and a vial of poison. Shit about to get real.

2. Ramsay Bolton Snow will get what’s coming to him. He will loose a good chunk of taste buds on a particularly scalding batch of Sizzlin’ Shrimp in an episode that will be referred to as Pink Hibachi.

3. Tyrion and Daenerys will settle all disputes with a dance off. Personally I will be shouting at my TV “Go Dinklage, Go Dinklage, Go!”

4. Arya will give up her quest for vengeance and open a nice chain of resturants. The Hounds All You Can Eat Fried Chicken

5. Bran will become and Animorph. First the White Walkers. Then The Yeerks.

6. Jamie will find a way to magically re grow his hand. Sadly it will backfire. Hands Everywhere.

7. Cersai will continue to be a bitch. To everyone.

8. Sansa will realize that she is a strong independent woman who don’t need no man. She will write a tell-all book and make millions

9. The ghosts of Ned Stark And Tywain will start heckling everyone from the afterlife much like the old men from the Muppets.

10. Rickett will become King. It will be incredibly short lived.

Those are my predictions. What do you see happening?

 

The best joke I ever told

In my senior year of high school we had an assignment to rewrite Hamlet in a different theme. I can’t remember why anymore but I thought it would be an amazing idea to smash Hamlet with Looney Toons. I’m still pretty proud of the ideas that I had like Marviatio The Martian, or dueling with giant mallets.

There is one joke that will always be my favorite. Bugslet and his friends had just returned from The Carsades. The line I will always remember is “They laughed about how easy it was to color the stupid Inklishmen.” Ten odd years later and that line still makes me laugh out loud. I thought it was brilliant. I thought it worked on every level

The thing was that nobody got it. Not one person understood or thought that it was all that funny. I remember my English teacher writing in the margins “What does this mean?” And I don’t care. I still have this mental image of cartoon characters running around with giant paintbrushes coloring in a bunch of black and white Penman thereby converting them. That joke is uniquely mine. It makes me laugh. and was worth every blank stare and cocked eyebrow.

A Cutie and I know it

I came up with a little ditty for my daughter that I thought was pretty catchy. It is in NO way influenced by that one song by that one guy that was in that M&M commercial*

 

When I wake up I am hungry so I start to cry

I’ve got my bear, throwin cheerios in my new high chair, yeah

I’m learnin how to roll, like Tommy Pickles I’m gettin outta control

Wearin a onesie with a big red bow

with my momma I’m out the door

 

Girl look at that baby

Girl look at that baby

Girl look at that baby

I crawl around

Girl look at that baby

Girl look at that baby

Girl look at that baby

I crawl around

 

When I bounce in my spot, this is what I see

Everybodies cooing and making sounds at me

I’ve got a diaper in my pants and my bellybuttons showing

 

I’m a cutie and I know it

I’m a cutie and I know it

 

When I’m at the park, kids on the swings better be clearin off

When I’ve got my juice, The G-Mom keeps tryin to pinch my cheeks

I’m learnin how to roll, come on teddy it’s time to sleep

we headed to the crib, Daddy don’t be nervous

no security blankie, I’ll still be cozy

 

When I bounce in my spot, this is what I see

Everybodies cooing and making sounds at me

I’ve got a diaper in my pants and my bellybuttons showing

 

I’m a cutie and I know it

I’m a cutie and I know it

 

Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle Yeah

Do the Baby Wiggle, Yeah

Do the Baby Wiggle, Yeah

 

*Ok, Maybe a little.

The State Sex Move Game

I once made a joke that putting a state in front of any word or phrase will more often than not make it sound like a dirty, dirty sex move. Inspired by this (and when I say inspired I mean bored and out of new episodes of The Newsroom.) I decided to flesh out a list and see if I could nail all fifty states. I also got to work in a state bird joke for bonus points. And Fyi “flesh out” and “nail” were both said while thinking of Maryland. Enjoy.

  1. The Alabama Slammer
  2.  The Alaskan Snow Blower
  3. The Arizona Self Help Desk
  4. The Arkansas Ball Peen Hammer
  5. The California Grape Stomp
  6. The Colorado Mountain Ranger
  7. The Connecticut Cigar Cutter
  8. The Delaware Inkpot
  9. The Florida Orange Push Pop
  10. The Georgia Peach Cobbler
  11. The Hawaii Beach Comber
  12. The Idaho Spud Masher
  13. The Illinois Eggbeater
  14. The Indiana Knife Sheath
  15. The Iowa Corn Husk
  16. The Kansas Can Opener
  17. The Kentucky Steam Rollar
  18. The Louisiana Purchase
  19. The Maine Oyster Shucker
  20. The Maryland Merry-Go-Round
  21. The Massachusetts Law School
  22. The Michigan Rider’s Glove
  23. The Minnesota Tourniquet
  24. The Mississippi River
  25. The Missouri All Night Diner
  26. The Montana Ranch Hand
  27. The Nebraska Prairie Dog
  28.  The Nevada Slot Machine
  29. The New Hampshire Bed and Breakfast
  30. The New Jersey Turnpike
  31. The New Mexico White Water Rafting
  32. The New York Sushi Bar
  33. The North Carolina Snausage
  34. The North Dakota Road Plow
  35. The Oklahoma Scissor Tailed Flycatcher
  36. The Ohio Nutter Butter
  37. The Oregon Trail
  38. The Pennsylvania Vanilla Custard
  39. The Rhode Island Clam Bake
  40. The South Carolina Melon Baller
  41. The South Dakota Moustache Trimmer
  42. The Tennessee Mud Flap
  43. The Texas T-Bone
  44. The Utah Whitewash
  45. The Vermont Syrup Tap
  46.  The Virginia Vacuum Hose
  47. The Washington Monument
  48. The West Virginia Coal Miner
  49. The Wisconsin Whisky Sour
  50. The Wyoming Wall Spackle

PS: If any of these are in fact actual sex moves they’re more then likely illegal in the state that hosts it so attempt at your own risk.